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| I have reached my final decision about the major issue in my life right now, the one that affects all of my other actions: my anxiety. It is odd, actually, that it took me this long to realize what one of the main underlying problems was. Numerous people have suggested it, and yet some only add to the very problem of which they speak. My therapist, psychiatrist, sister, sister-in-law, parents, the school, and even my friends... I believe all of their intentions to be good, but now I have to ask something of you all. In regards to my anxiety and the contributing factors, please refrain from giving me your opinion unless I specifically ask for it. I will tell you why... Throughout the process of trying to get better and trying to cope with the anxiety disorder that I seem to have, I have heard a myriad of opinions, supposed facts, and definitions of what is my reality. There have been so many voices spinning around me that it is has become increasingly difficult for me to hear what God has to say. I have tried to listen for His voice, but all I can hear is everyone else. Thus, I have come to my decision. The only help I currently want and need is God's. It is His help that I require to get better. No medication can match what He can do. I ask that none of you take this personally. This is just what I need right now. I need to hear His voice.
I love you all... | | |
| Random conversation with my roommate....
Amanda: Why are you so upset?
Me: I don't know. I just have the distinct urge to be violent!
Amanda: Violence doesn't solve anything.
Me: Urgh.... I need to shave.
Amanda: No, you don't!
Me: Yes, I do. Have you seen these legs?
Amanda: You can't shave.
Me: Why not?
Amanda: Because...
Me: Damn you!
Amanda: Damn me to where?
Me: I don't know! *Long pause* ... but no where bad!
Amanda: Hippie Land?
Me: Okay! You're damned to Hippie Land!
.... yup... that's about how it went. Don't you just love conversations like that? | | |
| As far as the Quiz Meet this past weekend, that was great and it really got my mind off of all the things that have been going on. I really had an awesome time and am immensely proud of both of the teams!
Beyond that, it has been a rough week already... emotionally speaking. I'll get through it, I know, but right now it is hard to convince myself of that. To those of you who have been there for me and have done anything to try and help, please know that I am beyond grateful! (I know, I know... I got yelled at last night for being overly grateful, but too bad.) I have wonderful friends and I cannot thank God enough for you all!
Hopefully, this evening will go better... | | |
| Today's been a good day compared to the rest of this past week. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't a "bad" week, just long. I felt far more calm today than in the past, so that may have helped.
I've been trying to coordinate another practice for the skits for the drama ministry team, but this time around it is proving far more difficult. Mostly everyone can make it, except for two. I'm bringing in someone else to replace one person for one of the skits, but the second one I'll have to shift around one person and may end up giving her one minor part and one more central... since the two parts don't collide at all. Ah well. It will hopefully go over well.
Well, off to homework I go... | | |
| Ack... today already feels like it has been such a ridiculously long day, and there is still so much more to go. I feel so emotionally taxed right now, and I don't know what to do about it. I just... don't know anymore, about a few things. I've been struggling with a difficult decision for the past week or more, and I am so caught right now.
I really just want to scream and let it all out, but I don't want to make waves for anyone. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm good at carrying around a mask. I don't always say how I feel. If asked, I won't lie, but that doesn't mean that I'll willingly give the whole story, either.
I realize I have said the word "I" a lot right now... For that, I am sorry. Selfishness, like I feel I am displaying even as I write this sentence, I think of as ugly.. Maybe, though, everyone has times in their life when they really just need to vent all out... Maybe, this is one of those times... | | |
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